Man and woman chatting over coffee

Truth / Reveal Yourself on Valentine’s Day

Questions, Questions Questions

Have you ever wondered just how well you know the people in your life, and just how well they know you? Emotional intimacy is about letting down the walls and letting ourselves be known. And letting ourselves be known is about the ability to share the important elements of what makes us who we are.

For some people, this can raise a lot of self doubts. It’s not easy to do. And if you find the love light waning, a fun and meaningful activity is to take the time and play the old game of 20 questions. When is the last you played that game?

If you don’t necessarily have a mate, why not arrange a “date” with someone close to you and agree to let yourself be known, and allow yourself to get to know the other person?

A way to start is to spend the evening posing and answering meaningful questions. Here is a list of some questions I often recommend to clients that want to improve their emotional intimacy – these are also good questions to ponder that allow you the be more transparent with the people that you love.


  1. Do you want your relationship to be the same or different than your parents’ relationship and in what ways?
  2. How do you define a good relationship?
  3. What qualities do you seek in a friend?
  4. Is there something that you would want to change about yourself?
  5. What makes you feel secure and safe?
  6. Did you have a favorite toy as a child?
  7. What is your favorite birthday memory?
  8. What is your favorite daydream?
  9. What is the biggest risk you have ever taken?
  10. What is the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you?
  11. As a child what did you want to do when you grew up?
  12. What is your most precious possession?
  13. What has been the best day of your life?
  14. Who do you admire most?
  15. What is your greatest regret? Is there something you have done that you are sorry for?
  16. What has been your greatest loss?
  17. Has someone disappointed you? How?
  18. What is your greatest fear?
  19. What is the most important life lesson you have learned?
  20. What makes life worth living?

How to Build Intimacy

Now that you’ve revealed yourself, how do you feel? In fact, when we put so much of ourselves out there, it can be difficult to deal with the repercussions. Can you look the other person in the eye after playing this game?

When we start to fully embrace who we are, and love ourselves, emotional intimacy follows. And sometimes, we also come to recognize that people around us aren’t who we thought they were, right?

Imagine for a minute that you played this game with your mother – or someone you don’t like very much – by striving to better understand them as a person, you may also learn why they act the way they do.

Through your intimacy with them, you might tap into some compassion, empathy, or common ground as well. 

So, here’s where I’m really going with this; to love and be loved (hey, it’s Valentine’s day!) you have to be able to put yourself out there. And the questions above act as one tool for you to do so.

And if you are in a relationship already, but find yourself shutting down, or shying away from others, then you may be facing a few intimacy issues as well. So, let your guard down and give these 20 questions a try tonight.

Dr. Ines K. RoeDr. Ines K. Roe has been helping women in transition rediscover themselves for over 20 years. If you’ve  been feeling unfulfilled, are frustrated with your sense of accomplishment in midlife, or simply need guidance on your path to holistic well being, join her ecourse.